Don't make out with my wife yet
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
