i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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