k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
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stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
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HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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