I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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