Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
