apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
