Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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