Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
