I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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