Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
