Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
