I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
