Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
