Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We're too hungover to prance.
A+ Viking dick
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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