hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
