My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
