Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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