I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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