Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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