I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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