tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I have fence marks all over my body
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
