when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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