They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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