Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
