lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
