i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
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I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
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I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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