The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
