you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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