so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
