she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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