Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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