i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
