I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
