Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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