Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
