I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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