Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
