i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Floor bacon is actually really good
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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