Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
