You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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