thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize