She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
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Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
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Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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