I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
