How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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