WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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