Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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