i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.