I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
we should paint friendship bongs
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
