Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
