I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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