you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
