guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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