Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
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I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
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Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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