from now on my penis is your penis
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
40s are totally the cure
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize