I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
