well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
