i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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