I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
