so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
