70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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