Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
