well I can't set my house on fire every night
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
