I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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